if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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