Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
