My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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