I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
