Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
