my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
