new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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