I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
