barbara walters just said penis...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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