And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
