My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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