nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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