I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
