I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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