So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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