Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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