All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
