your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
