I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize