I can text with my tongue
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
