I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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