at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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