I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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