Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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