I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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