I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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