I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
