I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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