capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
