I wish my penis had an off switch
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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