This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
