my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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