Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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