we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
