I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If I die, sorry about rent.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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