i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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