i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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