I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
