I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
