so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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