We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
