If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
