she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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