It's a beautiful day for a hangover
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
