Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
