So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
