Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You pole danced in your parka.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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