My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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