why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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