You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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