Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
