gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
