Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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