Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
