Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
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they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
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I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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