I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
