I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
