I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
