Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
