In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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